Adjusting to the awkwardness of these music videos has been as challenging as coming to terms with Justin Beiber, “thanks for the money,” red cap-gate. Cassie, who provided so many with the songs of lost innocence has appeared out of no where with a shaven head and a poorly judged array of trouser suits in her new video ‘The Boys’. This deranged mish-mash of electronic noise makes slut dropping to ‘Long Way 2 Go’ seem like a very long time ago and i’m definitely not okay with feeling like those days are behind me. Too much pink, too much camel toe, too little of anything chic.
Whilst Cassie has always had that glint in her eye, it’s Frida Pinto that’s really baffled me. One of the most beautiful women in the world with the face of an angel, I never thought i’d be privy to her derobed, corseted body gyrating around a pole to a song that advocates ‘fucking like gorillas’. Was that intentional because I know that ‘gorilla’ doesn’t rhyme with anything else in the song? Whatever the reason, it’s a good thing the dry-humping scenes took place in a car because Bruno looks kind of Hobbit-esque next to his leading lady. Not sure i’d be bang-banging on his chest and not rutting about crack-cracking a rib.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. So Kanye flouts all notions of motorcycle safety and takes his (verrrry svelte) fiancé for a topless jaunt through the faux American West. With romance being taken to dizzying heights featuring lyrics such as: ‘I wanna fuck you hard on the sink. After that get you something to drink’, Kanye proves his love for the mother of his child in a big way. Not only could you be forgiven for thinking you’d stumbled upon the porn version of the Land Before Time Part II, the vibrations on the motorcycle are just plain sordid. It reminded me very much of the Burberry bikini clad Ray J years, except this time with blonde hair. Whilst Kim looks remarkably skinnier than she did on the Daily Mail this morning, I think Kimye a-stride a shoddily made bike is the most absurd notion of all.